I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I've come to the conclusion that I need to change the way I live my life.
The first thing that has been on my mind is my friendships. I only have a few close friends. I love my friends, but they are not the best of friends. When I call, I very rarely get an answer. I have better luck with text messages, but that's not even certain. They are flaky and can never committ to something. And most of the time, if they say they will come, they don't. I really can't rely on them. And others are just too busy. I guess I feel left out. I mean, not like they are all hanging out with each other and not me, but rather that they are busy doing things that don't include me. I try to put forth an effort to hang out or go do something, but I'm unsuccessful. I feel like I put a lot into my friendships, but I get very little in return. And that doesn't make me happy. So, I've decided to treat others as I am treated. Maybe when I stop answering my phone and don't show up when I say I will, they will get the message. I don't want to give up my friends, but I do think I need a break.
Next, I've been thinking a lot about going "green." I've started recycling at work, and now I do it at home. There is a church right down the road where I can drop off paper to be recycled. It looks like a dumpster, but it's green and yellow. I think they only do paper, so that's all I'm doing right now. I've also started to try to buy more earth freindly products, especially cleaning products. I've been searching for a reusable bag that folds up, so I can put groceries in it, but I have been unsuccessful. I've also decided that I'm going to start shopping at the Farmers Market. It's healthier, and it supports the local farmers. I haven't been yet, but I will soon. I'm just trying to become more aware of what I do to the planet.
The biggest thing that has been on my mind is my weight. I've been doing a lot of research of how to become healthier. I don't want to diet. I want to learn how to eat right, therefore changing my lifestyle. I've started looking at the calories on everything I pick up. I've been trying to eat breakfast everyday, and also take my lunch to work. I bought a ton of those 100 calorie packs to have around for snacks. I haven't been very strict on my calorie intake, but I have been more aware of it.
I'm the biggest I've ever been. I weigh 205 lbs. I'm fat. I've never told anyone that, because I'm so ashamed. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be this big. And my weight is the main reason why I am not happy. I hide behind my weight. It hinders me socially. I feel like the fatest person in the room. I feel like no guy will ever be attracted to me because I'm fat. I don't feel attractive in anything. I even look bad in my pajamas. I wear a size 18 pants, and I buy XXL in shirts. I cut the tags out of my shirts so nobody will know what size I wear. I don't know how I got this big. It's just like one day I woke up and I was 20 lbs heavier. I'm so big that it seems almost impossible to loose the weight. And I don't have to be skinny, I just want to be healthy.
I figure if I get it all out there, then I can't hide from it anymore. I can't pretend that I'm not overweight. If I don't do something about this now, then I will just get bigger. And I want to be healthy about losing weight. I'm not going on a diet, or starving myself, or anything like that. I know it's going to take me a long time, but if I can just stick it out, it will be so sweet in the end. I've already started working my way towards eating better, but I need to get on the ball. I also need to start excersing. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. I know that I'm a good person, I'm smart, funny, sweet, and that I'm a pretty girl, but I don't feel like people see that because all they see is fat.
So, hopefully I'm on the road to a better Lacey.